If I was a trial lawyer, I would occasionally try to sub in the term “I rest my face” instead of “I rest my case” when I was done. Ideally it would be only loud enough for the jury and the public in attendance to hear the difference. They’d laugh, I’d smile, and the Judge would frown and wonder “What I was up to this time.” Again.
See, I’d be a wild card lawyer. Not a hotshot like that idiot Smigley, who almost got his client the gas chamber for discharging a live firearm in court. No, just a guy who subs in little words here and there, dresses like Oscar Wilde, and plays for keeps.
And even if the Judge heard me…
Me: “…and she was not there, not angry at the late Mr. Howard, and not murdering him at the time of his death. I rest my face. Thank you.”
Judge: “Wait, what? Your face?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Judge: “You just said that you rest your face. Not your case. Did you mean to say case?”
Me: “No. Actually, no, your honor. Consider my case rested, but I do certainly rest my face. You see, I use my clever expressions to convey the innocence of my clients when in court. This leads to my needing many, many hours of face sleep. You see…”
(note: I’m waving a handkerchief in a foppish way the whole time (like Oscar Wilde would))
Judge: (banging gavel) “Okay, enough! I get it! So, your case is rested then?”
Me: “Yes.” (pause to cross to my client and sit) “And my face.”
(Courtroom audience explodes into violent applause)
Fade to Black.
Okay, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen “Teen Wolf,” but I don’t remember the coach of the basketball team being such a mad slacker genius.
Two quotes of his:
1) “It doesn’t matter how you play the game, it matters if you win or lose. And even that doesn’t matter that much.”
2) “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city, and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now, you stick to that and everything else is cream cheese.”
So true, Coach Finstock. So True.