I tweeted a little bit ago about how the late great Leslie Nielsen used a fart machine to break up fights. I found the quote I was thinking of online from a “What I’ve learned” article in Esquire. Awesome, awesome quote below.
“I have a fart machine that I usually bring with me. I was at a bar once, going down toward the john, and these two guys were in a confrontation and things were getting a little dicey. As I got in between the two of them, I said, “Where’s the john? Is it straight back there?” Fffffhpppppffffft. Well, these guys look at each other and then look at me, and they both start laughing. Fight was over.”
Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/leslie-nielsen-0408#ixzz16e14SfAQ
Back again! [cue Dilated People’s “Back Again” to start here] I haven’t written a Yahoo list off a real one in a while, and I apologize. Not that anyone was missing them. Basically, for those who don’t know, I take a Yahoo article designed to speak to the dumbest of us (i.e. most of them) and write my own version.
See the real article here: http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/111258/what-not-to-say-at-work?mod=career-worklife_balance
What Not to Say at Work.
1) “Jesus! Fucking is great, but it makes you so TIRED. I probably should have showered before I came in today.”
2) “You dress nice, but you’re still the fattest one here by a country mile. Of fat.”
3) “Anyone gay should leave the room right now, because I’m about to watch some porn they might not enjoy.”
4) “Sieg heil!!!”
5) “That’s a stupid idea. I don’t blame you, though, because it’s not your fault that you’re stupid.”
6) “We shouldn’t eat any of that ice cream in the freezer for Sandy’s birthday. Seriously. I just used it to cool off my balls.”
7) “Head’s up, everybody. There’s a fart developing in me right now that I can already tell will make somebody puke when they smell it.”
8) “I quit.”
9) “Holy crap you got some sweet tits on you! Can I see one of ‘em?”
10) “Welcome to Arby’s.”
…who works at a restaurant I go to said to me today:
“Where you been the past couple of weeks?”
Me: “Um, Kansas City, MO, Hartford, CT, Portland, OR, Kirkland, WA, Sacramento, CA, Appleton, WI…”
Her: “Jesus! You’re in town for a while now, though, right?”
Her: “That’s good.”
Me: Oh, wait. No. I go to Ann Arbor this weekend.”
December 3rd. Ghetto Bird Social Club. Here’s The lineup.
Dan Bialek, Matt Braunger, Mike Bridenstine, Mike Burns, Renee Gauthier, Shannon Hatch, Mike Holmes, Pete Holmes, Kyle Kinane, Kumail Nanjiani, Brady Novak, Zach Sherwin.
I can’t wait to do this and blame it all on Pete Holmes when the cops come.